April 6, 2016
Finding Compassion for the Inner Critic
“…We move toward gaining authenticity and coherence between our world view and how we live. We begin to see connections among all of the aspects of our lives and move toward integrity.”~Bobbi Harro, The Cycle of Liberation
Over the past year, I’ve gained some weight. Big deal. But I notice I’m feeling less sociable. I alternate between making plans and hibernating, doing a lot of busy work around my house to justify hiding from the world. I avoid meeting with friends, go days without showering, or I brush my teeth while I sit on the bed so that I don’t have to stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Most disturbing, I continue to eat even more, throwing caution to the wind. I daily indulge gummy candy cravings and ignore the veggies in the produce bin.
What the hell, right? Some cosmic scale tips back and forth; as my body image declines, my weight increases.
The waistband of my jeans feels tight and this triggers an uncomfortable tightness in my heart and solar plexus as I compare myself to my mother. Slender and always carefully groomed, her lips forming the word “fat,” one of the worst judgements of my conditioned mind: fallen from grace. That dependable, critical inner voice is an insistent and superior saboteur vigilantly keeping track.
In therapy sessions, I endeavored to do heavy, deep, and real excavations of my personal narratives, to dive deep and resolve painful self-judgements. “Hah! Now I see you! Good riddance!”
Despite obvious growth and insights, the inner critics remain. I’ve learned to navigate the inevitable mix, notice the sharp poke in the gut, dull heaviness in the chest, the tight, dry throat. And savor the gentle grounding of deep breaths and sublime inner stillness.
I tell myself I should always choose my reactions, but is that true? If experiences are interwoven of individual and collective conscious and unconscious beliefs, then how do we completely opt out of being influenced by others? This collective influence is part of belonging, being human, being in. Our thoughts just are...
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